Thanksgiving...in hell

What's worse than not having any family to celebrate the holidays with? Well...let's see...

1. The friend whose house you were going to go to comes down with the flu 2 days before Thanksgiving.
2. All your other friends have plans already.
3. Your turkey that you try to force thaw is mostly ready for the brine Wed. night.
4. During the night the brine bag leaks and your turkey isn't in much brine in the morning.
5. You discover your constipated......MASSIVELY!! (too many painkillers I guess)
6. You are doubled over in pain trying to pass the rock hard turd and have to dig it out with a spoon.
   
7. You clog the toilet when you finally get that brick to pass.
8. You have to mop and sanitize the bathroom to get the overflow cleaned up.
9. It is only 3 in the afternoon.